Batman vs Superman

Batman and Superman are, for reasons far too complicated to go into here, engaged in a fight.

Batman has, with cunning and intelligence, thrown everything he has at the Man of Steel.  Nothing seems to have an effect.

Superman, with speed and super strength, suddenly punches Batman in the neck.

Batman: Ow!

Superman: Oh, shit… sorry.  I got carried away.
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Batman: Jesus, Clark!

Superman: Sorry, sorry…

Batman kneels down, holding his neck.

Batman: You know I’m just a guy, right? I don’t have freakin’ super powers!

Superman: I said sorry!

Batman: Tell it to my lawyers you bastard.

Superman: You can’t sue me!

Batman: I’m Bruce Wayne, bitch, I can do whatever I like!

Superman: You can’t beat me up though, can you?

Batman: Oh, shut up.

 Superman smiles to himself.

 Batman: How’s Lois?

Superman: Oh she’s… wait a second…

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 Superman: You didn’t?!

Batman: Twice.

Superman: You bastard!

Batman: Temper, temper, Superpussy. Actually…

Superman: Don’t say it…

Batman: Losi has a super pu…

Superman lunges at Batman, not noticing the Dark Knight has pulled something from his utility belt.  He swiftly raises his hand and stabs his foe.

Superman: Argh!

Batman: Kryptonite-fused knife, dummy.

Superman: Argh!

Superman collapses to the floor as the Batman stands above him.  He reaches into his utility belt once more, and pulls out a piece of cloth.

Batman: Give these back to Lois.

He throws a pair of ladies underwear onto Superman’s prone face, and then launches himself into the night.  The sound of a grappling hook connecting with a nearby building can almost be heard above the anguished scream of Kal-El. 

The end.

 

Posted by Norton

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Superman Returns (sort of)…

This is not a review of Bryan Singer’s  ‘Superman Returns’.
Oh, no.
This isn’t a review of 2013’s ‘Man Of Steel’.
Oh, no.
This is a look at…

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SUPERMEN DONUYOR (aka ‘Supermen Returns’) is a Turkish movie from 1978.
The title was changed to ‘Supermen’ to avoid getting sued (somehow, in the 70s, that shit worked) and the film was rushed to cash-in on the Richard Donner Superman movies.
I don’t know if it made any money in Turkey, but I suspect it cost about a fiver to produce…

The film is, without doubt, one of the most entertainingly bad things sixty-eight minutes of ‘cinema’ you’ll ever see (thanks to various internet blogs and YouTube, I’ve seen it all…) and could be reproduced with an iPhone.

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Somehow, they even got away with using the Superman theme by John Williams!

The film begins with a breathless narrator telling the story of how Krypton no longer exists, and that a baby was sent to Earth, carrying the hope that at least one Kryptonian would survive.
This is all accompanied by what look like Christmas tree decorations, hanging from string in front of a black sheet, doubling-up for planets… and this was made a year after Star Wars!

The story of Superman is then retold, wear we see the glasses-wearing Tayfun being told by his Earth parents that he was found in a rocket and raised as their own.
His Mother shows him a piece of Kryptonite that was found with him and, after hearing the voice of his real father tell him that this green rock will show him his destiny, he announces he is leaving.
His mother gives him some lunch money (honestly!)
He ends up in a cave where his real father appears (yes) and warns him that, although he has superpowers, he needs to be away from the Kryptonite to use them and, more importantly, that Kryptonite is his only weakness.
So, our hero gets his Superman costume (from the cave… don’t ask…) and flies for the first time in what is clearly an action figure filmed infront of a television screen…

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This is where the action starts, and doesn’t really stop for the rest of the movie.
There are some henchmen to defeat, and a moment at the end of the movie where the evil criminal genius (who just happens to have a cat in his arms, a la Blofeld) waves some Kryptonite in Supes face and he does some acting that I haven’t seen since the playground of Hook Lane Primary school, circa 1984.

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That’s about it. The film is short, just over an hour, and it takes about twenty minutes for Superman to be the hero, but is worth seeing just for giggles.

It is a Z-movie, and has such terrible sets, effects and acting that you’ll be doing yourself a favour by watching it.
Posted by Norton