I was watching an episode of the 90’s live action TMNT show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation (don’t judge me, you sons of bitches) and the new character of Venus De Milo turtle was introduced.
Ok, you may think. Another turtle. We dig it.
She was in the original turtle tank with the four guys and became separated, but was subjected to the same mutagen as Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michael-Angelo.
She was trained in the ways of Shinobi (very different to being a ninja, apparently, even though it all comes down to kicking and punching and smacking bad guys upside the head with a stick) and has some powers the guys don’t have. She can, for example, channel into the Dream State and read people’s minds. Useful.
”What’s the damage, Norton?” you may ask. “Are you sexist or something?”
No, I’m not.
I’m all for ladies kicking ass… even lady turtles.
Here is a picture of Venus.
Can you see what my issue might be?
Here’s another photo, as she does some saucy Shinobi magic.
Still not sure?
I’ll tell you.
SHE HAS BREASTS!
She isn’t a mammal!
She has no need for them!!
Are you telling me that the mutagen the turtles were soaked in somehow gave her breasts? SERIOUSLY?
It’s just shoddy design!
I thought about this, and realised that there are more cases of this breast-giving going on. All throughout media history, women have been given boobies irrespective of their species.
Look… here’s Daisy Duck looking a bit sexy (this wasn’t fan art, this was for a Valentine’s Day thing!)
In the film Happy Feet there are female penguins who do not have breasts per se but do have colouring on their chests to suggest cleavage.
Hell, in some cases, I can even think of robots with breasts!
ROBOTS WITH BREASTS!
Now, although a sex-bot would probably need breasts, your common robotic death machine has no need for tits. NONE!
What’s going on?
If you can remember Howard The Duck, possibly George Lucas’s finest moment, the hero is at one point flicking through ‘PlayDuck’ magazine and the naked lady ducks in there (what is the term for lady duck?) don’t just have breasts but they have nipples as well.
Don’t get me started on the various cinematic aliens with tits… an alien physiology is obviously very different to human so why on Earth (heh) would an alien have breasts? Clearly, most alien ladies are big-boobed Captain Kirk conquests but are bazongas a necessity? It isn’t just in Star Trek or Star Wars that the lady aliens have chest torpedoes. In Futurama, for example, there was a lobster lady with boobs.
There could be a whole blog about the various anime monsters with boobies but I will say that most female digimon have some degree of budding boobs.
Even in videogames this happens… a character in Skylanders (Cynder the dragon thing) is a female dragon thing with breasts! She has clearly rounded chest protuberances!
It happens in tv, cartoons, movies, literature, comics… for example, and before I forget, I will mention that the origins of Jessica Drew (Marvel’s Spider-Woman) were that she would be a hyper-evolved spider that took on the traits of a human. So, naturally, she became a spider that looked like a woman with big tits.
Thankfully, they scrapped that idea!
I know why this has happened – it seems the powers that be believe us plebs are too stupid to realise who is male and who is female without a big pair of norks being shoved in our stupid popcorn-munching faces!
Well fuck you, Hollywood!
We know the truth!
Hollywood is full of tits.
Now. Don’t get me wrong.
We here at Los Chimpos love the boobies.
However, the only pair of breasts that have ever really been welcomed in a cartoon were these…
She’s a Thundercat and, as we all know, cats are mammals and so need big knockers. That’s perfectly acceptable.
Keep an eye out from now on.
Be it a videogame, a comic, a cartoon, an animated movie or a live-action costume-based thing, you’ll be able to spot a pair of breasts that don’t belong.
MAMMARIES ARE FOR MAMMALS!
I’m going for a sit down and a play with my girlfriend’s boobs.
Posted by Norton