Walter’s Diary: Pt.5 – Mary

Mary, it turns out, didn’t want to be found.

“Fuck off, you weirdo!” were, if memory serves, her exact words when I approached her in a bar. “I’m a lesbian.”

I’d tracked her down to Greenwich Village on Saturday night, and Deadfast and I spent alot of dollars and most of our energy trawling bars until I recognised her.
Deadfast, of course, wouldn’t recognise himself in a mirror unless prompted, so these things are always left to me.
I pointed her out, and he sent me over;
“Walter, lad, we don’t want to spook her. She’ll recognise me,of course… so you go. I’ll just sit here and have a drink. Could I borrow some money?”

I had got within five feet of her, and was about to ask if I knew her (well, I wasn’t stupid enough to actually tell her why we were there), when she’d spun around, made eye contact, and growled her above response. Then, with a flourish, she’d grabbed the nearest young lady to herself and proceeded to give her a long and lengthy kiss.

I was enjoying the moment, actually, but it was ruined by the crashing of a table behind me and Deadfast approaching at speed, and with a big dopey grin on his face.

“Ladies,” he annoucned, but I managed to wheel him away before Mary decided to kick either of us in the unmentionables. “Don’t go anywhere!” he yelled over his shoulder at them.

“I think it’s best if we…”
“Oh, tish and pish, Walter… I know what to do!”
“Have a drink?”
“Exactly.”
And, with that, he wandered off to the bar.

I figured it would be best if we followed her as she left, and approached her in a less-public place.

So, for the next two hours, we sat about and drank (water for me, with a slice of lemon, and alochol for Deadfast… he isn’t fussy which type).
I was keeping a close eye on Mary and her friends (most of whom, as far as I could work out, were friendly with one another, if you know what I mean… they exchanged saliva an awful lot, and I’m sure that kind of thing isn’t sanitary), but, as is his way, Deadfast got bored of not having my attention and so declared he was going to dance.
He then proceeded to try to start a conga-line.
This didn’t work, of course, but provided enough of a distraction for me to lose sight of the young Miss Hellthwaite for a moment and, when I looked back, she and her entourage were nowhere to be seen.

The evening ended with me running out of there with Deadfast over my shoulder, and an irrate bar patron and his friends giving chase after his wife had been the unwilling victim of Deadfast and his rising libido.

He is still asleep, now, and I’m trying to figure out what to do next.

I’ve a friend who works in a video store (believe it or not, some still exist) down the road who says Mary is a frequent customer.
I’m thinking of sitting in one of the booths there all day on the off-chance that she comes in.

It’s going to be a long, hard day…

Posted by Walter

A Probing Poem

Three little monkeys were sitting in the jungle
When one got bored and fancied a rumble,
So down he jumped to the green, green floor
Looking for a fight,
Ready for a war.

The first thing he saw when he walked through the grass
Was a angry baboon with a bright red arse.
“Hey” he shouted, dancing with glee,
“You’re a wanker, come and get me!”

Well the monkey ran and the baboon gave chase,
Crashing through the jungle on their deadly race.
Suddenly the monkey stopped and fell to the ground
Because he had heard a very strange sound

There in the sky was a UFO
What was it doing there? The monkey didn’t know.
The baboon hadn’t noticed and was ready to fight
When he was suddenly blinded by a bright white light

The baboon got drawn into the strange alien ship
The monkey was safe so he didn’t give a shit.
The spaceship departed with its new animal load
That poor baboon was getting anally probed!

The moral of this story should be taken to heart,
Never chase a monkey if you value your arse!

 

Posted by Norton

The Final Leap

Theorising that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Samuel Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished…

 

Over the countless years of leaping, across decades and lifetimes, he had become accustomed to waking in strange places.  In a stranger’s clothes.  With a stranger’s face.
He had almost lost track of who he himself was but, with thanks to his friend Al and with his own Swiss-cheese memory slowly being filled, he could remember enough of his own life to hold onto his personality and his beliefs.  He knew who he was, inside, behind the unfamiliar face and he was confident he could retain some sense of being for long enough that, one day, he’d leap back into himself.

That day would never come.

Sam felt himself become someone new, someone strangely tired, and opened his eyes.

He realised that he was against a wall, legs sprawled out on the floor and that there was something metallic in his mouth.
He brushed straggly blonde hair out of his eyes and caught his reflection in the glass of some French doors to his right.

With a start, and too late to stop himself, he realised he had the barrel of a gun was in his mouth.  His involuntary twitch of surprise tensed his hand and his trigger finger, resting on the trigger itself, pulled back…

The End.

 

Posted by Norton

What a load of tits!

I was watching an episode of the 90’s live action TMNT show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation (don’t judge me, you sons of bitches) and the new character of Venus De Milo turtle was introduced.

Ok, you may think.  Another turtle.  We dig it.
She was in the original turtle tank with the four guys and became separated, but was subjected to the same mutagen as Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michael-Angelo.
She was trained in the ways of Shinobi (very different to being a ninja, apparently, even though it all comes down to kicking and punching and smacking bad guys upside the head with a stick) and has some powers the guys don’t have.  She can, for example, channel into the Dream State and read people’s minds.  Useful.

”What’s the damage, Norton?” you may ask.  “Are you sexist or something?”

No, I’m not.
I’m all for ladies kicking ass… even lady turtles.
Here is a picture of Venus.

 venus1

Can you see what my issue might be?

Here’s another photo, as she does some saucy Shinobi magic.

 venus2

Still not sure?
I’ll tell you.

SHE HAS BREASTS!
WHY?
She isn’t a mammal!
She has no need for them!!

Are you telling me that the mutagen the turtles were soaked in somehow gave her breasts?  SERIOUSLY?
No!
It’s just shoddy design!

I thought about this, and realised that there are more cases of this breast-giving going on.  All throughout media history, women have been given boobies irrespective of their species.
WHY?!

Look… here’s Daisy Duck looking a bit sexy (this wasn’t fan art, this was for a Valentine’s Day thing!)

daisysexy

In the film Happy Feet there are female penguins who do not have breasts per se but do have colouring on their chests to suggest cleavage.
Penguins.
With cleavage.
WTF?!
Hell, in some cases, I can even think of robots with breasts!
WTF?
ROBOTS WITH BREASTS!

met

Now, although a sex-bot would probably need breasts, your common robotic death machine has no need for tits.  NONE!
What’s going on?
If you can remember Howard The Duck, possibly George Lucas’s finest moment, the hero is at one point flicking through ‘PlayDuck’ magazine and the naked lady ducks in there (what is the term for lady duck?) don’t just have breasts but they have nipples as well.

playduck
Don’t get me started on the various cinematic aliens with tits… an alien physiology is obviously very different to human so why on Earth (heh) would an alien have breasts?  Clearly, most alien ladies are big-boobed Captain Kirk conquests but are bazongas a necessity?  It isn’t just in Star Trek or Star Wars that the lady aliens have chest torpedoes.  In Futurama, for example, there was a lobster lady with boobs.

lobster
WTF?

 

There could be a whole blog about the various anime monsters with boobies but I will say that most female digimon have some degree of budding boobs.

Even in videogames this happens… a character in Skylanders (Cynder the dragon thing) is a female dragon thing with breasts!  She has clearly rounded chest protuberances!

It happens in tv, cartoons, movies, literature, comics… for example, and before I forget, I will mention that the origins of Jessica Drew (Marvel’s Spider-Woman) were that she would be a hyper-evolved spider that took on the traits of a human.  So, naturally, she became a spider that looked like a woman with big tits.
Thankfully, they scrapped that idea!

I know why this has happened – it seems the powers that be believe us plebs are too stupid to realise who is male and who is female without a big pair of norks being shoved in our stupid popcorn-munching faces!
Well fuck you, Hollywood!
We know the truth!
Hollywood is full of tits.

 

Now.  Don’t get me wrong.
We here at Los Chimpos love the boobies.
However, the only pair of breasts that have ever really been welcomed in a cartoon were these…

cheetarah1 

Oh, Cheetarah.
*swoon*

Cheetara2

She’s a Thundercat and, as we all know, cats are mammals and so need big knockers. That’s perfectly acceptable.

Anyway.
Keep an eye out from now on.
Be it a videogame, a comic, a cartoon, an animated movie or a live-action costume-based thing, you’ll be able to spot a pair of breasts that don’t belong.

MAMMARIES ARE FOR MAMMALS!

I’m going for a sit down and a play with my girlfriend’s boobs.

Posted by Norton