Less than Fantastic Four

Not to be outdone by my colleague in chimpness there is another superhero z movie we had the misfortune to see, sorry I meant pleasure to see.  This one was just as cra… great as that Turkish supermen returns film and was based on Marvels Fantastic Four comic.

Now I must divulge some important info at this point of proceedings, I loathe Fantastic Four. My least favourite comic ever, just shockingly bad drivel. Awful.

Anyway, quite a few years ago I caught wind of an unleashed FF film made around 1994 that was so bad it was worth witnessing just to experience how bad. I got lucky and managed to download it, keep in mind these were the days before you could find anything you wanted on YouTube, and subjected my chimp buddies to a night’s entertainment they would not forget in a long time. I’d like to start proceedings with this picture hosted on Wikipedia.


As you can see, it looks rubbish.  The Thing’s outfit is hilarious. The team’s outfits are awful (although credit due for Dr Doom’s outfit, it wasn’t that bad) and their cheesy grins still give me nightmares to this day.


The plot of this monstrosity must have been written on the back of a cigarette packet; scientists try to harness comet’s powers, fail & Dr Doom is created, more scientists go into space and get hit by cosmic rays, FF are created. Dr Doom wants a diamond to power his death laser, hires thief, lots of people get kidnapped, stuff happens, bad acting… its all rather confused and messy, Dr Doom eventually gets diamond for laser, FF fight Dr Doom. FF win. Wedding. End.

The “special effects” used in this film are special, Reed’s extended limbs are shot with him off camera or in very specific positions and obviously suspended by wires as they wave about like it’s a windy day. Sue’s invisiblilty is a rather crude wipe effect. I can’t even remember what the Human Torch looked like, probably for the best. The Thing, well he looks like a walking turd.

The only redeeming bit (due to it being so laughable bad) of the film is the end after Reed and Sue are married, as they are driving off Reed extends one of his arms and waves goodbye. Awesome.


It is available on YouTube to watch, you owe it to yourself. No, seriously.

Posted by Dillon

Superman Returns (sort of)…

This is not a review of Bryan Singer’s  ‘Superman Returns’.
Oh, no.
This isn’t a review of 2013’s ‘Man Of Steel’.
Oh, no.
This is a look at…


SUPERMEN DONUYOR (aka ‘Supermen Returns’) is a Turkish movie from 1978.
The title was changed to ‘Supermen’ to avoid getting sued (somehow, in the 70s, that shit worked) and the film was rushed to cash-in on the Richard Donner Superman movies.
I don’t know if it made any money in Turkey, but I suspect it cost about a fiver to produce…

The film is, without doubt, one of the most entertainingly bad things sixty-eight minutes of ‘cinema’ you’ll ever see (thanks to various internet blogs and YouTube, I’ve seen it all…) and could be reproduced with an iPhone.


Somehow, they even got away with using the Superman theme by John Williams!

The film begins with a breathless narrator telling the story of how Krypton no longer exists, and that a baby was sent to Earth, carrying the hope that at least one Kryptonian would survive.
This is all accompanied by what look like Christmas tree decorations, hanging from string in front of a black sheet, doubling-up for planets… and this was made a year after Star Wars!

The story of Superman is then retold, wear we see the glasses-wearing Tayfun being told by his Earth parents that he was found in a rocket and raised as their own.
His Mother shows him a piece of Kryptonite that was found with him and, after hearing the voice of his real father tell him that this green rock will show him his destiny, he announces he is leaving.
His mother gives him some lunch money (honestly!)
He ends up in a cave where his real father appears (yes) and warns him that, although he has superpowers, he needs to be away from the Kryptonite to use them and, more importantly, that Kryptonite is his only weakness.
So, our hero gets his Superman costume (from the cave… don’t ask…) and flies for the first time in what is clearly an action figure filmed infront of a television screen…


This is where the action starts, and doesn’t really stop for the rest of the movie.
There are some henchmen to defeat, and a moment at the end of the movie where the evil criminal genius (who just happens to have a cat in his arms, a la Blofeld) waves some Kryptonite in Supes face and he does some acting that I haven’t seen since the playground of Hook Lane Primary school, circa 1984.


That’s about it. The film is short, just over an hour, and it takes about twenty minutes for Superman to be the hero, but is worth seeing just for giggles.

It is a Z-movie, and has such terrible sets, effects and acting that you’ll be doing yourself a favour by watching it.
Posted by Norton