From the Los Chimpos archives, circa 1999.
Posted by Guvdong
I was watching an episode of the 90’s live action TMNT show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation (don’t judge me, you sons of bitches) and the new character of Venus De Milo turtle was introduced.
Ok, you may think. Another turtle. We dig it.
She was in the original turtle tank with the four guys and became separated, but was subjected to the same mutagen as Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michael-Angelo.
She was trained in the ways of Shinobi (very different to being a ninja, apparently, even though it all comes down to kicking and punching and smacking bad guys upside the head with a stick) and has some powers the guys don’t have. She can, for example, channel into the Dream State and read people’s minds. Useful.
”What’s the damage, Norton?” you may ask. “Are you sexist or something?”
No, I’m not.
I’m all for ladies kicking ass… even lady turtles.
Here is a picture of Venus.
Can you see what my issue might be?
Here’s another photo, as she does some saucy Shinobi magic.
Still not sure?
I’ll tell you.
SHE HAS BREASTS!
She isn’t a mammal!
She has no need for them!!
Are you telling me that the mutagen the turtles were soaked in somehow gave her breasts? SERIOUSLY?
It’s just shoddy design!
I thought about this, and realised that there are more cases of this breast-giving going on. All throughout media history, women have been given boobies irrespective of their species.
Look… here’s Daisy Duck looking a bit sexy (this wasn’t fan art, this was for a Valentine’s Day thing!)
In the film Happy Feet there are female penguins who do not have breasts per se but do have colouring on their chests to suggest cleavage.
Hell, in some cases, I can even think of robots with breasts!
ROBOTS WITH BREASTS!
Now, although a sex-bot would probably need breasts, your common robotic death machine has no need for tits. NONE!
What’s going on?
If you can remember Howard The Duck, possibly George Lucas’s finest moment, the hero is at one point flicking through ‘PlayDuck’ magazine and the naked lady ducks in there (what is the term for lady duck?) don’t just have breasts but they have nipples as well.
Don’t get me started on the various cinematic aliens with tits… an alien physiology is obviously very different to human so why on Earth (heh) would an alien have breasts? Clearly, most alien ladies are big-boobed Captain Kirk conquests but are bazongas a necessity? It isn’t just in Star Trek or Star Wars that the lady aliens have chest torpedoes. In Futurama, for example, there was a lobster lady with boobs.
There could be a whole blog about the various anime monsters with boobies but I will say that most female digimon have some degree of budding boobs.
Even in videogames this happens… a character in Skylanders (Cynder the dragon thing) is a female dragon thing with breasts! She has clearly rounded chest protuberances!
It happens in tv, cartoons, movies, literature, comics… for example, and before I forget, I will mention that the origins of Jessica Drew (Marvel’s Spider-Woman) were that she would be a hyper-evolved spider that took on the traits of a human. So, naturally, she became a spider that looked like a woman with big tits.
Thankfully, they scrapped that idea!
I know why this has happened – it seems the powers that be believe us plebs are too stupid to realise who is male and who is female without a big pair of norks being shoved in our stupid popcorn-munching faces!
Well fuck you, Hollywood!
We know the truth!
Hollywood is full of tits.
Now. Don’t get me wrong.
We here at Los Chimpos love the boobies.
However, the only pair of breasts that have ever really been welcomed in a cartoon were these…
She’s a Thundercat and, as we all know, cats are mammals and so need big knockers. That’s perfectly acceptable.
Keep an eye out from now on.
Be it a videogame, a comic, a cartoon, an animated movie or a live-action costume-based thing, you’ll be able to spot a pair of breasts that don’t belong.
MAMMARIES ARE FOR MAMMALS!
I’m going for a sit down and a play with my girlfriend’s boobs.
Posted by Norton
Not to be outdone by my colleague in chimpness there is another superhero z movie we had the misfortune to see, sorry I meant pleasure to see. This one was just as cra… great as that Turkish supermen returns film and was based on Marvels Fantastic Four comic.
Now I must divulge some important info at this point of proceedings, I loathe Fantastic Four. My least favourite comic ever, just shockingly bad drivel. Awful.
Anyway, quite a few years ago I caught wind of an unleashed FF film made around 1994 that was so bad it was worth witnessing just to experience how bad. I got lucky and managed to download it, keep in mind these were the days before you could find anything you wanted on YouTube, and subjected my chimp buddies to a night’s entertainment they would not forget in a long time. I’d like to start proceedings with this picture hosted on Wikipedia.
As you can see, it looks rubbish. The Thing’s outfit is hilarious. The team’s outfits are awful (although credit due for Dr Doom’s outfit, it wasn’t that bad) and their cheesy grins still give me nightmares to this day.
The plot of this monstrosity must have been written on the back of a cigarette packet; scientists try to harness comet’s powers, fail & Dr Doom is created, more scientists go into space and get hit by cosmic rays, FF are created. Dr Doom wants a diamond to power his death laser, hires thief, lots of people get kidnapped, stuff happens, bad acting… its all rather confused and messy, Dr Doom eventually gets diamond for laser, FF fight Dr Doom. FF win. Wedding. End.
The “special effects” used in this film are special, Reed’s extended limbs are shot with him off camera or in very specific positions and obviously suspended by wires as they wave about like it’s a windy day. Sue’s invisiblilty is a rather crude wipe effect. I can’t even remember what the Human Torch looked like, probably for the best. The Thing, well he looks like a walking turd.
The only redeeming bit (due to it being so laughable bad) of the film is the end after Reed and Sue are married, as they are driving off Reed extends one of his arms and waves goodbye. Awesome.
It is available on YouTube to watch, you owe it to yourself. No, seriously.
Posted by Dillon
This is not a review of Bryan Singer’s ‘Superman Returns’.
This isn’t a review of 2013’s ‘Man Of Steel’.
This is a look at…
SUPERMEN DONUYOR (aka ‘Supermen Returns’) is a Turkish movie from 1978.
The title was changed to ‘Supermen’ to avoid getting sued (somehow, in the 70s, that shit worked) and the film was rushed to cash-in on the Richard Donner Superman movies.
I don’t know if it made any money in Turkey, but I suspect it cost about a fiver to produce…
The film is, without doubt, one of the most entertainingly bad things sixty-eight minutes of ‘cinema’ you’ll ever see (thanks to various internet blogs and YouTube, I’ve seen it all…) and could be reproduced with an iPhone.
Somehow, they even got away with using the Superman theme by John Williams!
The film begins with a breathless narrator telling the story of how Krypton no longer exists, and that a baby was sent to Earth, carrying the hope that at least one Kryptonian would survive.
This is all accompanied by what look like Christmas tree decorations, hanging from string in front of a black sheet, doubling-up for planets… and this was made a year after Star Wars!
The story of Superman is then retold, wear we see the glasses-wearing Tayfun being told by his Earth parents that he was found in a rocket and raised as their own.
His Mother shows him a piece of Kryptonite that was found with him and, after hearing the voice of his real father tell him that this green rock will show him his destiny, he announces he is leaving.
His mother gives him some lunch money (honestly!)
He ends up in a cave where his real father appears (yes) and warns him that, although he has superpowers, he needs to be away from the Kryptonite to use them and, more importantly, that Kryptonite is his only weakness.
So, our hero gets his Superman costume (from the cave… don’t ask…) and flies for the first time in what is clearly an action figure filmed infront of a television screen…
This is where the action starts, and doesn’t really stop for the rest of the movie.
There are some henchmen to defeat, and a moment at the end of the movie where the evil criminal genius (who just happens to have a cat in his arms, a la Blofeld) waves some Kryptonite in Supes face and he does some acting that I haven’t seen since the playground of Hook Lane Primary school, circa 1984.
That’s about it. The film is short, just over an hour, and it takes about twenty minutes for Superman to be the hero, but is worth seeing just for giggles.
- J.J. Abrams Talks His Scrapped SUPERMAN: FLYBY Script and How It Relates to MAN OF STEEL (collider.com)
- Before MAN OF STEEL: The Many Faces of ZOD (newsarama.com)
- Superman-as-Christ Comparison (footsoldiers4christ.com)