Deadfast: Shaggy Dogs & Buckets of Frogs, pt.1

As you may remember, we’d ended up having going on a relaxing cruise and I was worried something dramatic would happen.
Well… it didn’t.
It was a lovely cruise and we had a great time.
I guess the troubles really started when we got home…

“Walter!” Deadfast bellowed. “What is the meaning of this?”
“It’s the doorbell,” I yawned, unfurling myself from where I had dozed off on the sofa. “I expect we have a visitor.”
”Who?” Deadfast demanded, puffing out his chest. “Who is it, man?”
“Shall I go and open the door?”
“Will that solve this mystery?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “Yes it will.”
”Then by all means, go ahead, dear boy!” Deadfast stretched, standing in the doorway to the kitchen, his dressing gown undone and his nether regions swinging proud before him. “I need tea and this infernal racket is not helping me get any!”
I dragged myself to the door and opened it a crack.
I peered through and, to my befuddlement, saw a dog sitting on the doorstep.
“It’s a dog.”
”Walter!” Deadfast chastised. “That’s no way to talk about a lady!”
“No,” I sighed, leaning on the door. “There’s a dog on our doorstep.”
”Well,” Deadfast mumbled, his mouth full of stale Bourbon biscuit. “Let the hound in!”

I opened the door and the shaggy beast barrelled past.
“Are you ok?”
“I just need some air,” Deadfast said, gasping and falling to his knees. “Where’s the dog?”
“He ran off.”
”Right then,” Deadfast stood up, seemingly recovered from whatever was ailing him. “Pub?”
“It’s 9am!”
“Oh, right…” he paused for a moment. “And?”

To be continued…

Walter’s Diary Pt.7 – Unexpected Events

We met Mary on time, and we caught our plane home with no problems.

We arrived in London, sped to Lord Hellthwaites private club, he and daughter were tearfully reunited (well, we interupted an informal meeting and Lord Hellthwaites accountant was there … he took one look at the money-grabbing Mary and promptly began to sob like a baby).

Lord Hellthwaite took Deadfast aside for a moment, and when he came back he had a big Cheshire-cat grin on his face, and was clutching what looked like a pair of tickets and, if I wasn’t mistaken, a folded piece of paper. Had he recieved a letter?

“Walter, the bet is off…” he declared, putting an arm around me and steering me outside. “However, the week has been prosperous for us!”
“Would you care to elaborate?”

It turns out that Deadfast wouldn’t be getting a holiday home in Hawaii after all.
He did, however, get two tickets for an around-the-world cruise.
I couldn’t see why he was so happy about this, but he WAS happy and, oddly, he hadn’t had a drink for at least two hours.

It didn’t take us long to get home, get changed, grab clothing, and we were off … all a bit hurried if you ask me, but a free holiday is a free holiday. One can’t complain.
Well, Deadfast did a little, but only because he couldn’t find his bucket and spade.

So, I’m typing this whilst sitting on the deck of the boat (ship, ocean liner, glorified dingy, whatever you wish to refer to it as), and I have a Strawberry Daquiri by my side, a straw hat on my head, a pair of bermuda shorts on, and a charming young man has just winked at me from across the pool.

There is, without any shadow of a doubt, something decidedly fishy going on here.
Oh well … Deadfast is off somewhere trying to get us invited to the Captain’s table for dinner, so I’ve some time to myself.
Now, where did that young man go…?

The Cave of Dreams pt.4

Galloping through the undergrowth, charging towards the unknown adventure that the Hopeless Waterfall would bring, the three little monkeys were excited.
So excited, it seems, that they charged straight past the QuietCanyon and on towards the Elephant’s Mound.

The QuietCanyon, of course, is where the monkeys should have turned left and headed on through the SilentForest until they heard the crashing roar of despair emminating from the Waterfall… but, in their excitement, they went too far and missed their turning and instead stumbled upon the Elephant’s Mound.


As everyone knows, the Elephant’s Mound is where the old and feeble elephants would go to die.
For generations, they would quietly slip away from the herd and make their slow, plodding way to the Mound where, in the soft moonlight of a quiet evening, the Sombre Spirit of Salados would whisk them away to the Elephant’s Playground.  That was, of course, where all elephants of any age and standing would all be equal and live in peace for eternity.

The animals all knew that nobody went to the Elephant’s Mound unless, well, you were an elephant.
The three little monkeys were not elephants…


“Ook?”  Samala whispered, coming to a halt with the other monkeys.  “Ook.”

“Ook?” Kawanga whispered, looking around the clearing.  “Ook.”
”Ook,” Nimbala said, pointing towards the far side of the clearing.
There, in the shadows of a big tree, stood a lone elephant.

It was Jumbala, the oldest and wisest of the elephants.
She had grown tired and weary and, as the rest of her herd were distracted, she had slowly plodded away and made her way hear.  She new her time with Salados was upon her.

She stared at the three little monkeys, not knowing what to do.  She knew that they knew the rules but, as usual, they seemed to be a law unto themselves in the jungle and were here.  Bold as brass.  Monkeys on a mission.  She was intrigued.

She raised her trunk slowly, and trumpeted across the clearing.

“Ook!” screeched Samala and Nimbala. “Ook!”
They wanted to turn tail and run home but, being a little braver, Kawanga careful edged his way forward. 
”OOK!” the two other monkeys screeched again.  “OOK!”
Kawanga dismissed them with a wave of his paw and continured forward.
Jumbala, both baffled and bemused in equal measure, slowly approached him from the other side of the clearing.
The Mound, tall and glistening with dew-wet grass, stood between them.


To be continued…

Posted by Norton

Walter’s Diary pt.6 – NY Blues

Well now.
I’ve just got out of a jail cell, after spending three nights “chatting” with some lovely police officers from NY’s finest.

My video shop friend, Big Al, let me spend some time in his store on Monday.
“That lady’s always in here, sitting in one of the booths and frigging herself silly!” he told me; I didn’t like to ask how he knew this… I’ve a vague recollection of him once offering to show me some “home movies” once. No doubt he had some elaborate video-camera set-up back there.
I made a mental note not to get myself into one of the booths, just in case.

After seven hours of serving (yes, he let me stay in his shop by making me work there) the “dirty mac” brigade, Mary wandered in.
She didn’t recognise me, and flounced straight out to the back of the store, where Big Al keeps his booths. Al told me this was what she always did, and why didn’t I head back there?

I called the hotel, but Deadfast didn’t answer…. I’d made the mistake of letting him into the mini-bar, and now he was no doubt unconscious.
So, after a few minutes of thinking, I called Al over to mind the till, and I headed out back.

Big Al has four booths back there, and three of them were empty.
The one on the far right had its door shut, so I deduced that Mary was ensconced within.
I crept into the neighbouring booth, and quietly shut the door…. with no plan whatsoever.

I couldn’t see a thing… there was no light in there.
I could barely make out a coin-slot on my left, so I fumbled for some change and put in a coin, expecting a light to come on.
Instead, a tv screen flickered on infront of me (behind a slightly-stained plastic window) and I was suddenly confronted with some very saucy material!
I averted my eyes, and saw a hole in the wall… a hole that would lead directly into Mary’s booth!

As I looked, I saw a finger poke through, and make a beckoning “come hither” gesture.
I was looking at a gloryhole!
I’d been told about such things by Deadfast once or twice during a long winter night around the fire, but put that (and his tales of a “no-hands bar” in Thailand in which you would recieve oral sex by an unseen mouth whilst sitting at the bar) down to his active imagination.
This was real… ye gads!

I knew what was expected of me, but… I couldn’t do such a thing!
However, here I was, in a booth next to Mary Hellthwaite, and she wanted my… special purpose.
This was unexpected!

What was I to do?

Well… I knew that I had to make some form of contact with her, and so… yes, dear reader, I did something that I regretted, and … well … after many minutes of self-doubt … and I am blushing as I type … I presented myself to her!

I undid my trousers (making sure the door was locked) and slipped my underwear down, and stepped forward… the blood was rushing, and so I poked through the hole just fine.

And that’s when the lights in the booth came on, and a voice boomed out “You’re under arrest, sir, please get yourself dressed and step out”.

Oh, bother.

Turns out, I wasn’t in a booth next to Mary at all.
That swine Big Al had seen Mary slip out the back a little while before, and had not said anything to me.
Instead, he had phoned the police and informed them that there was a sex pest in his store!
The blighter then sat back and watched as I headed back there and… well… you know the rest.

I was carted down to the station, and questioned as to what I was doing in New York, who I knew there, and so on.

Luckily, after a few days of there rather inept questioning, Deadfast had bailed me out (with, I hasten to add, my own money that he had pilfered from my bank account whislt I had been “missing in action”), and we headed back to the hotel.

“Walter,” he said through the door of the bathroom as I slipped into the hot bath I’d just ran. “I know where Mary is.”
“Oh,” I stuttered, somewhat in shock. Surely he couldn’t have done some actual work?
“I bumped into her in the bar downstairs, appologised for your behaviour on Saturday night..>”
“My behaviour?”
“Yes, of course,” he said, oblivious to the real world. “I then invited her back here for a chat and, when she left in the morning, she agreed to come home with us.”
“Has she ran out of money?”
“You two got along, didn’t you…” I muttered, sinking under the bubbles.

In a few hours, we are going to be sitting on a plane, headed back to London.
We’ve spoke to Mary over the phone (well, Deadfast made some strange cooing noises when he had the mouthpiece, whilst it was left to me to arrange things) and she is due to meet us in the lobby in twenty minutes.

I must go and wake Deadfast now… I’ll inform you of the reunion with Lord Hellthwaite and his daughter when we get back to the UK.

I’d kill for a chip buttie right now…


Posted by Walter